Diatribe of a 22 yr old

On this day, just before the anniversary of my birth I decided that rather than reflecting on what a good / bad year I had, I would make most a list of all the things that I hate most in the world, starting from mild dislike to burning, passionate, hatred; one for each year that I've been alive. It's very self indulgent but I think it's important that the world knows about such travesties that are occurring right under our very noses. I'm starting today but I don't know how long it will take me. Not too long I think as it's easy to write about stuff that pisses me off.

The countdown begins....

22)Winklepickers

Those pointy toed shoes that are currently in girl's fashion. I don't understand the aesthetic appeal of them, they remind me of something a court jester would wear and I'm wondering just when they will add little bells to they end and start doing a courtly jig about the streets. Also I had a Home Economics teacher who wore them and they looked like something she would pick her arse with. Not the most pleasant of things but that's what came to mind.

21) Self help books / prozac /welbutrin etc etc

So admittedly various mental illnesses are produced by the society that we live in. I'm not going to debate that, it would take days and much inquiry. There are people who are seriously mental ill and I have alot of sympathy for them. BUT, it seems like half the population has some problem that they need help with. And rather than just going 'okay, things are shit, but they'll get better, just gotta make a few changes,' they visit psychoanalysts, psychiatrists, get self help books, pump themselves full of pills. If you don't enjoy your job, get a new one. If you don't like your partner, get a new one. At least there's nothing serious wrong, at least you have all your limbs and your health and the capacity to make decisions. This would have been higher on the list but I can see some potential for scamming some cash. If I'm ever jobless I'll write a self help book and make some money. There will always be fools who will fall for it.

20) The girl with the same name as me, and her friends

The way I see it, ********* is not a particularly common name. In fact, I was under the delusion that I was the only ********** in the world. Unfortunately, I was proved wrong when one day a girl called ********* decided that I should be her friend. This ******** is *********@msn.com, from somewhere in America I think, she must be between the ages of 13 - 16 and she added me on msn. Then her friends added me, then they emailed me with chain letters about love and friendship. There's millions of them. I would tell them to leave me alone and they'd get annoyed because they thought I was the other girl. And I’d have to explain it to them, but some of them didn't quite grasp the concept. So they're all now blocked from my hotmail account. It was funny for a while but after the initial influx it got extremely annoying. Why don't people understand that having an identical name does not presuppose a friendship?

19) Variations on Coke i.e. Vanilla, lemon, diet, caffeine free

I am a whore to the coke industry and I get upset by these variations on coke. Especially when I'm in a shop and I pick up a can, thinking it's coke, and it ends up being vanilla coke. Shock waves run through my body when the taste of vanilla coke touches upon my tongue. It is one of the most vile tasting things ever conjured up by an industry. It tastes like cream soda mixed with coke... anyone who likes it must have seriously challenged taste buds.

18) Cocaine

Or Rich Man's Speed, which is a much better title for this insidious substance. Why on earth would anyone pay around £50 for something that makes you feel like you've just walked out of a dentist's office, transformed into an arrogant wanker who thinks that what you have to say is the MOST important thing on earth. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. People who I encounter while they are on coke tend to be complete twats, and yet they keep doing it, more and more, not realising that while they are feeling great everyone else is just thinking that they're making an arse out of themselves.

17) Sonia Jackson from Eastenders, and those with a similar gene pool i.e. Michelle McManus from Pop Idol, Sylvester Stallone, Elvis etc

There is a certain gene pool which makes me shudder. I think it stems from my dislike of Sonia from Eastender... I hate dealing with her wailing and moaning, "JAMIE, JAMIE!" My god girl, if I met you I'd give you a serious slap about the head (though she’s pretty butch so she’d probably take me in a fight). The others in the gene pool don't necessarily look exactly like her, but they definitely have similar genes. Michelle McManus for example, I don't care who voted for her, she's shite and when I see her on TV I want to stick my head in the toilet. Simon Cowell may be making a lot of money but he needs to stop unleashing such demons upon the world. I don't so much hate Sylvester Stallone and Elvis but I do cringe a little when I see their faces. There are a lot of people in that particular gene pool, it's interesting to keep an eye out for them.

16) Zoom Zoom Zoom Car ad / other annoying advertising jingle

Please stop... PLEASE STOP! They hurt my brain, they go around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and they never stop and they hurt and please please please stop... My ears bleed and my eyes bleed and high pitched noises screech in agony from my throat. Colours flash and I can see little devils running back and forth across my vision taunting me, tormenting me!!! You're killing me with these tunes.... please stop...

17) Celebrity Reality TV shows and their stars

To begin with I didn't really mind them, not paying much attention at all. Then they were everywhere...like an irritating sore that starts to fester gets spreads all over the nation. It seemed that everyone was obsessed with 'I'm a celebrity get me out of here!' 'Celebrity Big Brother,' and all the other farcical shows that popped up all over TV. Everywhere I looked there was one tabloid or another with Jordan, Jade, Alex Best, Nell McAndrew and other B-list celebrities. And then… the final dagger, slipped underneath my ribs to pierce my vaguely beating heart; Peter Andre's Mysterious Girl was in the charts. Don't people realise that it was crap the first time and the second time was just stupid, especially since it was the same song with the same video. It seems TV broadcasters are getting by just fine reusing the same formula over and over again.

16) List Shows

Continuing with the theme of TV reusing the same formula over and over again. List shows. Are people really entertained by them? Can they be called entertainment? For the last three years I have stumbled across Channel 4's greatest films of all time. They always have the same films, in almost exactly the same order. Couldn't they make it a phenomenon that occurs every 5 - 10 years instead? Then perhaps there might be something new to say and I wouldn't have to listen to Graham Norton's watery jokes. But that is only one of many list shows. We've had Britain’s best sitcom, Top 100 grossing Artists in the UK, Worst 100 songs of all time etc etc. Eventually they'll have enough list shows to have a list show called 'Top 100 List Shows.' If that happens I would seriously consider some sort of militant action against TV stations. (Oh the irony, a rant about list shows in a list. My head should be exploding about now).

15) David Blaine

Hey monkey boy, we don't want to see you stuck in a box over the Thames. You were incredibly boring. I would have more fun slowly extracting each of my toe nails with a match than watch you for any period of time. You're not a messiah, you're not a superman. You're just a silly little man who demands attention he doesn't deserve. Next time you're going to starve yourself for 40 days why don't you go talk to a hunger striker and stop belittling their actions. Idiot.

14) University Fine Art shows

Having been dragged along to various fine art shows I've discovered the crap quality of teaching in art departments (well, in Newcastle anyway). There are a few good pieces but in general they are terrible. I come across quotes from philosophers like Deleuze and Guattari and when I ask the artist about them they don't really know anything about D&G. They seem to be full of concepts that they don't understand. The most memorable installation was going into one of the rooms and it was painted white on all the walls (exactly the same as all the walls in the exhibition). I thought that there mustn't be an installation in that room but, quite shockingly, I discovered a sign that said 'Inside a White Cube.' The artist's statement was some glue about experiencing the absolute emptiness of the space, immersing yourself in the blankness. Later on I was told that the artist had painted two walls with gloss white and two walls with matt white. I think they were just lazy. Are people not taught how to paint anymore?



to be continued.......

|