he's watching me

From my bookshelf, Heidegger watches me. The little eyes on that strangely troll-like face are constantly staring, silently yelling 'read me, read me! You know you want to! Read me!' While I, attempting to ignore his ceaseless torrent, idly sit by, continuing with my current project; drawing pictures of partial objects. My partial object drawing is going slowly. I decided that I needed to get a scrap book for my dissertation (yet another of my sly ways of avoiding sitting down with a text). I'm drawing pictures of partial objects at the moment, then I'll move onto assemblages and then onto folds. I'm also collecting quotes from Nietzsche, Deleuze and Serres and writing them, in glitter pen mind you, on pieces of paper which I then stick into my scrap book. All-in-all it shall be a fine piece of shite that I will have created. And in all that time, Heidegger will still be watching me.

But he will have his time. It's not that I don't enjoy reading Heidegger, or any text for that matter, I just find the very act of picking up the text and sitting down to start reading very difficult. Every time I start a text I get so immersed in it that I lose my words. I have been losing my words quite frequently of late, I start conversations with people and then my mind blanks and I stare at a wall for a while with people staring at me, waiting for me to finish my sentances. This always tends to happen mind sentance. Sometimes I just have to get up and leave a room because the words have gone and I can't even bring my tongue to form a word. Not that having nothing to say is bad, I like to listen, but in a word loss state I can't listen. I have to go to my house and think about whatever philosophical issue is bothering me at that time. But when I read the text it simply gets worse, for example, if I worry about capitalism I might start reading Deleuze. Then I go out with my friends and am unable to function. So I go home and write about Deleuze.

At the moment, I have to re-read Heidegger's 'Origin of the Work of Art,' which is my favourite of his essays. I love his writing style in it, I love that it's insanely difficult and I have to really immerse myself in it. But if I start then I might not stop. And then my words my disappear. So I'll continue drawing partial objects until I can resolve this problem. Hopefully, when I become aquiated with other students of philosophy when I'm a graduate student, I might meet someone with the same issue. If not I'll keep getting strange looks when I shut up at random moments.

He's still watching me.....

|